M: There was something in that moment when she left you, that you felt something die inside of yourself.
H: how so?
M: it was like some potential persona, some essence of the potentiality, or probability of what you could have been was swallowed into the immaterial vacuum of nothingness. Falling into the depths of darkness, only to grasp onto each slippery, slimey pole, yet falling endlessly into a tornado of torrential, incessant thoughts, feelings, patterns.
H: Where do you go from there?
M: Let me dwell on it for a moment..
H: Go ahead
M: Like there could have been a different path, or vein of reality, which could have transpired, and if you were on a different plane, a different dimension, you could always see that reality materialize. I sometimes wonder about that..other dimensions, that might sometime converge into our, where our thoughts, our choices, would be some how different.
H: Everyone lives a certain sense of permanence.
M: You’re right, but it doesn’t hurt to let your imagination wander, to think what could have been, to take the time machine back through memories.
H: I suppose that only gives birth to doubt, to unsatisfactory thoughts.
M: No, it’s more like playing with an idea. We only go forward in time, we live within it, blessed and cursed by every moment of it.I just wonder where she is, what she’s doing. They say that when you get to heaven, if you believe in such an eschatology, that there is no marriage. You think that we’d be friends then, or acquaintances for any matter.
H: You presume too much of your destination, as opposed to the opposite.
M: ::Laughs:: yes I suppose so
H: You could also imagine the state of hell that you would be living in if she had chosen you, accepted you. For all you know you could have diametrically opposed personalities, leading to a painful break up.
M: I suppose that is true. But, sometimes I wonder if I would have preferred the emotional turmoil, the dropping of the guillotine rather than the state of nothing.
H: State of nothing?
M: The state of singular loneliness, a hellish state of no future, no possibilities.
H: You are being unnecessarily hard on yourself.
M: Maybe I am, maybe I keep on returning to this same place, of uncertainty, of wandering through this world feeling like some alien entity.
H: And remember you are not dead, you are alive, in both body, soul, mind, spirit, and heart. And as a living, being with a beating heart palpitating in your chest like clock work, you change.
M: I don’t feel alive always.
H: But, you are, you just have to take your time, to think about things deeply every day, to breathe. Every day we only need to breath, and take one step forward. And sometimes that one step is all we need.