Exceedingly difficult

 I’ve been finding it exceedingly difficult to talk about anything in my life lately. It’s not that I’ve grown apathetic to everything, but that thought that I have very little control of it. It can be a dangerous thought really, the thought that you can’t control what’s coming for you. There are times in my life when I feel an apprehension towards the unknown. The unknown of next day, the next week, or the next couple of months. It’s difficult to say anything of such value, when our thoughts and dreams are only as they are: only thoughts and dreams. It’s difficult to get motivation to do much of anything, when there doesn’t seem to be a clear marker in the future. I can only hope for the best really, and continue pushing on…wherever paths that may lead. 

Sometimes I have to stop my imagination from wandering, because when that happens I get increasingly anxious and depressed. I think about what could happen in the future, or what could have been happening in the present. My parallel worlds  always are better than the present. I wonder if I could really fall in love again, or if I could really be that happy again. There are crystal clear memories of happiness in my mind where I’ve pin pointed that moment and realized that I was so happy. I wonder if I’ll really experience those moments in college again. 

BBC did a poll recently and it showed that people are more often optimistic about the future than realistic. I think this tends to be true because I am fairly optimistic about what could occur. I tend to take risks, believing it all will work out, like there are invisible hands weaving destiny together. If I fail in my idealistic pursuit of vocation, than at least I would have tried. 

A revelation that I’ve come to recently is that  we tend to idealize the past more than the present. I’ve been having evocative dreams lately, involving college students, and people long buried in the past. I barely can remember what exactly was the dream about but are very emotive. I wish I was back in college, during my sophomore or freshmen year, doing things differently and making choices differently. I tend to reminisce a lot, unable to let go of strong emotions in the past. But in actuality, I was a very different person back then than I am now, and I don’t want to return such emotional and self-depreciating times in the past. Some of my darkest days were in the past, and it’s like hearing old albums that you use to experience and love, but being unable to return to them because you are so different now. 

The person who is discontent thinks about the past and the future while neglecting the present, and I don’t want to be like that. Sometimes I think I doom myself from being satisfied because the future looks so much better. And some of those desires are so strong and embarrassing that I don’t feel like writing them online. 

I would like to end by talking about my stuff animal Oliver. Oliver is a baby stuffed gorilla. He’s got a scrunched brow, with one overhanging his left eye. He’s quite bashful without a mouth and has aching eyes. I found him at a local stuff animal shop down the street. He use to sleep by my side or would be sitting on my bed when my mom made it for me. I use to hug him quite a bit because he is very huggable. I took him out of a dusky plastic box of my belongings before we moved. When I was a teen I neglected him, thinking I was too old for that stuff animal. He’s been sleeping next to me, like when I was a child. I hug him sometimes because I sometimes wish I had person to hug, someone to embrace at night. 

 

That’s all